So last week was a fairly down week for me even though I was off of work. Last Friday (1/27) I had the most awful dream. Every once in awhile (maybe once a month at the most) I will have a "drunk" dream. Usually they consist of me taking a sip of alcohol and then feeling horrible that I broke my sobriety. Sometimes they are worse where I will get super drunk, but this was the first time I woke up physically sickened from it & stayed in bed a good portion of the day. The details aren't so important, but it felt so real while I was dreaming it. Thinking about it now, what happened in the dream was pretty ridiculous, but it seemed so real! The worst part about it was that I physically felt the same feelings I did from when I was drinking, especially the "incomprehensible demoralization" and just curl-up-in-a-ball-icky feeling I would always have the next day after a blackout. What did I do? In the dream, one of the things I remember is watching a video of myself the next day trying to do some kind of line dance while shit-faced and falling all over the place. If anything, it reminded me of what I NEVER want to feel again. My life is better now and it's not any better "out there".
I think part of why my week went the way it did is because I was lonely. Considering I live alone in a large house & don't really have a social life (most of my human interaction is at work or at meetings) I rarely get sad-down-in-the-dumps lonely. For some reason recently I have been reminded that I am 26 years old and that when I was younger I would have been sure I'd be married with kids by now. I let myself sit on my pity pot for a little while...I am a good person, I'm not ugly, I have a good career, I own a house--why won't someone date me? wah wah! BUT, then I realize that along with the numerous things in my life that have changed in my life since I took my last drink, so has my taste in men & what I will put up with in a relationship. I think the biggest difference between now and a few years ago is that now I am genuinely happy and content without a romantic relationship. I definately think a healthy relationship would add to my happiness, but I am OK without it. Before, I was hoping that getting into a romantic relationship would make me happy and content--that I never could be truly happy without a family of my own.
My faith has definately helped me when I get to thinking of what I want and think that I deserve it. I know what I want, but God knows what I need. I would love to be married and have 2 or 3 little kids running around, changing diapers, helping with art & science projects, and God knows I would love this too. But I know that if I put my faith in God and every day try to do his will and not mine, my life will be more fulfilling no matter what happens. And for goodness sakes I'm only 26. Not everyone marries his soulmate at 23 like one of my brothers.
Oh, and about the dog thing. I've been thinking about getting a dog ever since I moved into my house. I asked my family about it last week when I was home and got an overwhelming NO. Still just thinking about it, but I think it would be good for me.
I think part of why my week went the way it did is because I was lonely. Considering I live alone in a large house & don't really have a social life (most of my human interaction is at work or at meetings) I rarely get sad-down-in-the-dumps lonely. For some reason recently I have been reminded that I am 26 years old and that when I was younger I would have been sure I'd be married with kids by now. I let myself sit on my pity pot for a little while...I am a good person, I'm not ugly, I have a good career, I own a house--why won't someone date me? wah wah! BUT, then I realize that along with the numerous things in my life that have changed in my life since I took my last drink, so has my taste in men & what I will put up with in a relationship. I think the biggest difference between now and a few years ago is that now I am genuinely happy and content without a romantic relationship. I definately think a healthy relationship would add to my happiness, but I am OK without it. Before, I was hoping that getting into a romantic relationship would make me happy and content--that I never could be truly happy without a family of my own.
My faith has definately helped me when I get to thinking of what I want and think that I deserve it. I know what I want, but God knows what I need. I would love to be married and have 2 or 3 little kids running around, changing diapers, helping with art & science projects, and God knows I would love this too. But I know that if I put my faith in God and every day try to do his will and not mine, my life will be more fulfilling no matter what happens. And for goodness sakes I'm only 26. Not everyone marries his soulmate at 23 like one of my brothers.
Oh, and about the dog thing. I've been thinking about getting a dog ever since I moved into my house. I asked my family about it last week when I was home and got an overwhelming NO. Still just thinking about it, but I think it would be good for me.
Jill, been there done that.
ReplyDeleteYou are one of the funniest chicks I know, super smart, easy to talk to, good looking and fun to be around.
You just stay picky, what's meant to be, will be.
Tony